wow, it's been a month already!

(dedicated to Christianne for faithfully checking my blog, Thanks!) :)

I'm not promising anything incredible, just a simple update ... maybe something incredible later ... maybe :)

It's been a looong month. Will was gone for 3 weeks and then got back sometime during the first week of August. His parents came to visit for 5 days; that was fun. Time is flying, we've been so busy doing I have no idea what ... a little house hunting (to no avail), a lot of down time, a lot of family time, a lot of Olympic watching time, a lot of spending time with friends, trying to fix up the house, figure out what we want fixed, figure out who is going to fix what and when and for how much.

I've been tired missing lots of sleep from staying up too late watching the Olympics and some nights going to bed really early, only to be awaken several times in the night by my cute, but needy two year old wanting anything from water, to his "Gi-Gi" bear, to being covered up again, the list could go on. :) I don't know why he started this, but I hope it ends soon. I can usually go right back to sleep after the first time, but 1/2 hour to an hour later and the second time ... sometimes keeps me up for an hour or two even though I'm dead tired. I think I just get really woken up that second time and it gets my brain going and thinking and actually writing blogs that I will never post b/c I can't remember them. I wish I had a brain recorder that could just know what I'm thinking so I could type it up later. :) I could talk into, but I would wake Will up, maybe not, he's such a sound sleeper, I'm jealous.

Anyway, Yay for my husband for finally finishing our laminate floor. No more nasty, old carpet :) Of course now it's hard and I can SEE everything on it, but at least it's more sanitary (I think). I'm proud of him for doing it himself though! :) It took him awhile b/c he kept having to leave on the ship and had been working looong hours.

I'm really looking forward to the kids starting pre-school and a little sports class at the Y in the fall. We'll do gymnastics after that. I'm already thinking about sports that will be good for Charley's energetic, yet focused nature. After seeing how Phelps had ADD and swimming helped him, it got me thinking. Well, Charley doesn't have ADD, but certainly the energy. He even said he wanted to be like Michael Phelps and practiced doing the backstroke on our bed, so cute! :) He also ate 3 eggs!! the other morning. I couldn't believe it. We'll see what he enjoys. It will be an interesting road, but fun I think. Oh yeah, Charley is officially a Lego maniac. :) Yay! :) Will and I both love Legos! :) We're starting the "keep your legos picked up" lessons early so hopefully I won't be stepping on them for the next 10 years.

Ben continues in his most adorable stage yet. "Mommy, I good boy." "Mommy, I obey." "I sweet boy." "I share Chachy!" He's so talkative and oh so cute. I almost wish he wouldn't grow anymore. From his cute little fingers and nose, to his size and movements and cute sayings...it keeps my heart overflowing daily.

I'm mostly enjoying Will being home for a longer stretch. He's even going to take some mandatory pre-deployment leave soon. We're going camping next weekend in the Shenendoah's and I think it will be gorgeous! I can't wait to let the boys run around and explore!

Oh yeah, my Mom got really sick with kidney stones recently ... it got so bad that her kidney was shutting down and she got sepsis (blood poisoning) and spent 5 days in ICU. But now she's out and doing so much better. She is attending our family reunion back in TX this weekend and I'm so sad we had to miss it. Anyway, thanks to all who prayed for her recovery.

Well, that's all for now. God's blessings abound even when I feel like I'm at the base of a huge mountain that I know I could never climb on my own ... His provisions for me during deployment are being revealed to me slowly, but surely and I am trying with all my, no, His might to continue to trust Him and lean on Him and even hope for a few miracles along the way (more on that later though). I'm trusting that deployment will not only be a fun, but a fruitful time for us all here at home. I'm not sure I even believe that it can happen now, but I believe that if I allow God to be in control, He can/will do it. Wow, I'm really trying to have that much faith. It's odd, I feel like I believe that God could move an actual, physical mountain, more than
I believe he can make deployment a happy time for me. ugh, well, He's not finished with me yet, there's hope, I'm still growing, and want to, and want to trust Him more. Thank you for all the prayers that are and will help me do that. I need it. We all need it at different time. Thanks for reading (and commenting). :) I hope to hug you soon and if I can't, I'm missing you. God bless.

simple Easter and family update

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since I posted (minus earlier this morning). I feel like Will and I have been overwhelmed in thought and activities. Thoughts about our move, money and possibly buying another house in the Norfolk area, and activities such as volleyball, voice/piano lessons, church activities, school tests (for Will) and the general stress that accompanies all of this.

We're studying a book in our women's Bible study called "Calm My Anxious Heart" and while I don't think I feel anxious or worried about any of this, I do feel excited and I also feel the partial weight of a decision that will affect our future. Just to combat any potential for worry (and hopefully stress) I decided to finally set aside some time to specifically pray for awhile about all these decisions. I tend to take the "pray as you go" approach throughout my day since I rarely find myself with an hour or so of time (that I'm actually awake and lucid enough to think), but thankfully, this time (and God) found me a couple of days ago in the afternoon when everyone in the house was napping. I admit, my mind wandered some, but I managed to keep coming back to the "house/money" topic. This time, though, I tried to focus on the "praise" part of prayer because I feel like I too often assume the "Lord please help me with this and that" posture. So even though I wasn't praying about what I needed help with during the entirety of my prayer time, I felt that by trying to praise and glorify God (basically tell Him how awesome He is) I was communicating that because He's so great, I want to seek Him in everything and I want His guidance in every area of my life (hence, covering the house issue) :)

I didn't feel any major decisions were magically solved by this prayer time, however, I did have a peace of mind that at least I had sought God, and no, I don't think this one time absolves me of any others, I just felt that it helped me know and recenter myself with the knowledge that, "yes, I actually did pray to God about this, yes I am continually seeking Him in my prayers throughout the day, and yes, I can expect His direction and guidance and peace as we continue to walk in the path of these major decisions."

Anyway, other major news, we finally have a confirmed move date: April 26 & 27 (Ben's 2nd birthday) Will and I will drive the family down to Norfolk to live in the house we already own down there. Will will return to RI to finish his last week of school and move the household goods out when the movers arrive April 28-30. Then I will receive our stuff whenever they get down here, hopefully that Friday, so any VA friends reading this, please help me find babysitters for the boys or consider taking one for the day. :) Then, after Will finishes school that week, he will drive down and join us that Friday or Saturday, May 2, 3. He starts a 5-day school on May 5, then has a week off to help us get moved in. During this week, we'll work on the house and hopefully get it rental ready, as well as keep searching for another house. We'll only move some of our things in, but if we don't find a house we like, we'll just move everything in and look for something next year.

It's so relieving to finally have a date. For those of you who have kept up with the saga, we thought we were moving last year, but neither the orders nor an explanation ever came through. This time, we're really moving. Finally.

Because of all that has been going on, we will not be having the large Easter meal that we usually have, including lamb. We'll be going simple this year, although I'm still not sure what that will look like. I think all I hope to do is make it to church, have an Easter egg hunt with the boys, and most importantly, tell them about why we celebrate Easter, about Jesus dying on the cross to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, and rising again to conquer death forever and bring us new life eternally with Him. I asked Will if we could have communion as a family, but he thought the boys were a little young for that. I mean, obviously they wouldn't get it, but I thought it might be special to start as a tradition that they would understand later. Maybe next year. :)

Well, may you all have a blessed and Happy Easter! He is Risen, He is Risen indeed! :)

Good Friday

Blessings on this Good Friday. May we all feel the enormity of God's love for us on this day as we celebrate Christ's defeat of death by giving up His own life on the cross so that we could live with Him for eternity. Thank you Lord for providing a way for us in this, and in life everyday. Your mercies are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness!

some thoughts

Many prayers go out tonight for one of my friends, and especially for her father who is fighting cancer. I wish I could be near her in person to just hug her. Please pray for them with me.

Along the same lines ... I randomly visited Beth Moore's blog and read responses to some tough questions she was asking as research for a project she's working on ... so many hurting people ... so many things happening ... to all of us, at different times. I could identify with some of them at different times in my life via struggles I have met and overcome and other issues I am still wading through. Typical of my personality, I wanted to make a list of all of them and sort them by 1. issues I deal with rarely 2. issues I deal with every so often 3. issues I deal with daily. I wanted to make myself aware of them, that they exist or have existed, and then begin trying to purposefully work on some of them beginning with releasing any fear or self doubt and finding strength in Christ to help me deal with these things. just a thought.

And on what seems like the other side of the world ... here's a story in my children's very young life that I want to remember later on ... sometimes when Charley is thinking about doing or has done something mischievous, but funny, like finding a creative way to disobey that doesn't really break the rules, but that he knows is still wrong ... I'll be smiling at him while putting him in time out or telling him to stop, and he'll look at me with a smile and say, "Mommy do you love me?" and I always say, "Yes, Charley, I love you so much." It's like a script every time. Then he runs over and gives me a big hug and a kiss. aaaahhh and he only asks this when he's doing something wrong. Sometimes his questions is also followed by, "even though I'm being a bad boy?" I love that he is establishing the understanding now for the kind of unconditional love I have for him, and am trying to explain that God has for him. My answer to him when discussing why God still loves him is along the lines of "because He made you and you're special to Him." Other times it gets into Jesus dying for his sins. I wish I could get inside of his head to know what he thinks or understands about this concept, but I can't and have no idea since I know he can't understand yet. However, he loves the Easter story and I know that it will click someday.

Oh that we would always accept that we are loved by God unconditionally, even when we aren't able to love each other that way at all times ... even when we feel ugly, stupid, sinful, failing and so many other things that would keep us far from God. But in truth, we're white as snow as children of God. God's children are innocent in His eyes because of Jesus' sacrifice for us. Praise be to a God that would lovingly pay our way and long for us to be near Him.

Happy Birthday in Christ!

A few days ago on January 25, but in the year 1984 at 8 PM, I prayed and asked Jesus to come into my heart. I was 6 and it was one of those special amazing moments that I will always remember. I know that not everyone has an actual date or time that they remember giving their lives to Christ, and I don't really think it's of paramount importance, but I am glad that it was part of God's plan that this is how it happened for me. It's helped me when I've had doubts and it's also been an important part of my witness to others.

In high school when students of other religions accused me of having been basically forced to become a Christian, I was able to tell them my testimony ... which in short is that I had been asking my parents for months if I could ask Jesus into my heart. And before that, when I was too young to understand, I used to ask Him into my heart every night when my Mom was putting me to bed, then I would run excitedly into the living room to tell my Dad, "Daddy, Daddy, I asked Jesus into my heart!" This was usually greeted with something like, "that's great honey, now go to bed," and I was a little confused why everyone wasn't as excited as me. But later, because my parents were concerned that I didn't understand, they asked me to wait to make an "official" profession of faith at church so that they could talk it over with me and make sure I understood what I was doing. They also wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it b/c my best friend was doing it. :) (so only God knows when I really understood!) However, the fact that they asked me to wait has always helped me know that what I did was of my own choice and since they talked it over with me, I feel that I really DID understand what I was doing.

Anyway, ever since then, I've always used this day as a day of remembering when I first asked Christ to come into my life. I know I didn't understand the whole "Lord of my life" thing at the time, but I did understand that I needed to be forgiven and the Bible says, "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart, that you believe and are justified and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." Romans 10: 9, 10.

Since that time, God has continued to change me ... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always steadily and surely, and even though I don't have as dramatic or powerful a testimony as some people, I am grateful that I knew Him at such a young age. I'm not sure my elementary teachers were, b/c I used to tell Bible stories incessantly in class and I tried to witness to my friends a lot. :) Well, I was an evangelical Southern Baptist, right? No, at that age, all I understood was that I was excited about Jesus, even zealous and wanted EVERYONE to know about Him. It makes me cry to think of that innocent love for Christ, but I still remember it and pray that God would help me to be more like that at times.

It's been 24 years since that night and I know that little excited child is still bursting inside of me, but I think I try to hold her in more now so that I won't be too embarrassed. It's been a life's struggle to know what to say and when since I'm usually not very poignant. I think I'd even scare some of my friends with this, but if I acted on how I felt most of the time, I'd be hugging random strangers all the time, talking incessantly to people about Jesus and probably more acts of random kindness that would make people uncomfortable. Not that those things are bad, but they scare people and get annoying really quickly. I discovered this as a kid over time. :) Well, I guess that's a cue for me to pray that the Holy Spirit would tell me when to speak and how to act in constructive ways that would honor Christ and spread the Gospel in positive ways.

I DO know that even though I temper myself, I AM trying giving my kids part of myself in that I'm teaching them to be warm and friendly to people and to try to help and love them because God loves them. This is a message the boys hear a lot and I hope one day I will be able to see the joy that I feel for Christ in their eyes as well, even if they express it differently from me.

As growth is ever a process, I pray that I would continue to grow into the way that God meant for me to be on this earth until I meet Him in Heaven. Amen.

Nightmare Day Full of Grace

I guess one of the realities I have to face is that when Will is gone, all the little problems of life are not going to stop. Life goes on with its blessings and daily issues. I experienced one of these delights last Friday when I left a sink filling up so I could stain treat some clothes and forgot to turn it off. I flooded the washer/dryer area of our basement with about 2 inches of water, which of course started seeping into the thick carpet of the next room.

I was just about to walk out the door to take the boys to a Barnes 'n' Noble reading hour when I heard a trickling downstairs. (blessing #1: I discovered the flood BEFORE I left home). So I called the friend I was supposed to meet down there with her two boys to tell her we wouldn't make it and to call me if she had any suggestions as to what to do (I was still at the "Freaking out" and "Oh my gosh did this really happen?" stage and not yet to the "OK, I know what to do" stage).

So after that I decided to go downstairs and call our landlord to let her know, and also to call a lady from church to ask if her two girls can babysit while I clean up the mess. I, of course, have lots of trouble finding telephone numbers while trying to not completely break down in front of my children, which ends up happening anyway to which Charley responds very sympathetically and sits and watches while I attempt to get things rolling. I finally call the girls to babysit and blessing #2: they're available to come over right away! Plus, they're mom is bringing over a really big shop vac (since ours is small) to help.

I hang up from talking to them in tears and keep looking for the landlords number when the doorbell rings. I answer the door, still in tears, to find that the friend we were supposed to meet at Barnes 'n' Noble has showed up with her two kids to help me and watch mine while I clean up the mess. <--- blessing #3. They go to the backyard and begin distracting my kids while I am finally able to get the landlord on the phone. She's a very nice landlord, by the way so that conversation went well.

The friend from church shows up and brings her 3 daughters to help out and plans on staying to help me too!! So her older daughters take over babysitting so my friend can go run her errands and she and her younger daughter start moving everything out of the carpeted room so I can pull up the carpet. Blessing #4: I totally didn't expect her to stay and help, plus bring so much help (her third daughter and the shop vac, not to mention her other daughters who are babysitting).

Anyway, they stay until the job is DONE, and I mean, helping to clean up stuff that was gross and icky etc. We were all sweating, I started to get dizzy (it was a hot day), they moved heavy things, swept out the garage where water was seeping, threw stuff away, moved stuff around, cut up the carpet padding so we could lay it out to dry and the list goes on. I was so grateful and overwhelmed.

It's not often I've met people who will pitch in like this and be there when you really need it, especially when it involves getting dirty and especially when I don't know them all that well. It was truly a blessing. Fortunately, Will was coming home the next day for a short weekend visit, but all he had to do was move the fan around and help me keep emptying the dehumidifier and close a window that was letting in more humidity.

So that's one of our adventures during this time when Will is gone where I definitely felt God watching over us and taking care of us. It's important for me to note these times because I forget them pretty quickly when I'm feeling like God isn't around or doesn't care. I have a very short memory when I (a spiritual and physical creature) feel like my physical needs aren't being met and when those things distract me to the point of doubting the God who shows me so much grace, I can come back and read this and start honoring Him again.

Another favorite

I'm still working on a name for my poetry/writing blog so if anyone has any ideas, feel free to make a suggestion. I warn you, the one I have in mind now is a little cheesy so anything goes, really. :) While I ponder, here is another one of my all time favorite poems. It's by John Donne, the early 17th century English poet.

HOLY SONNETS.

XIV.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

John Donne

another New England saying, Holy catholic church, one body, one Christ

As I was on the plane to Kansas (last May)(well to Detroit since that's where my layover was) for a former roommate and bridesmaids wedding, I sat next to a lady in a Catholic missions group. The group was on the plane too. She referred to New England Christians as the "frozen chosen". I thought that was hilarious, but pretty accurate. New England is a very challenging area spiritually (to put it delicately). It's interesting too because this is where the nation began and so many great men of the faith lived and attended church here. Anyway, times have changed. Now it's a very liberal area for the most part. The New England Christians I have met are quieter about their faith and not very evangelistic. However, the show their faith in other ways such as serving and helping the people and community around them. They are there for you when you need them most. They have a quiet, commitment to their friends and their church. I'm not referring to just Protestants in the area, since it's a predominantly Catholic area, I'm referring to ALL Christians. I have met some wonderful Catholic brothers and sisters in our neighborhood as well.

Which reminds me of something I believe and have wanted to convey for a long time. I just want to express the importance of our responsibility as Christians and Protestants of any denomination to support our Catholic brothers and sisters in Christ. Their church has gone through some difficult times as we all know and this has done a lot of damage to their witness and shaken their faith. I've talked to several people who have dismissed going to church at all (and believing in anything related to church) because of what's happened. So this is when we need to pray for them and for the Catholic church because we're really a part of the one Holy catholic (lower-case) church under one Lord and one Saviour, Jesus Christ.

I watched the replacement process of the pope pretty closely and was excited that they elected a conservative pope, Pope Benedict, to follow John Paul II. Because of the influence and power of the Catholic church and the stance that they have on certain issues such as abortion and homosexuality, I thought this was important. We need to remember that we are on the same side when it comes to these issues, even if we disagree about how to worship or on the leadership of the church etc.

I was disappointed when Pope Benedict issued a document a couple of weeks ago saying that the Roman Catholic church was the only true church and that Orthodox churches were defective and that other Christian denominations were not true churches and thus, don't have the means to salvation. This really ignores that we all serve the same God. He asserts that Jesus only created one church, but we believe this is for all who believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died and rose again for our sins.

Despite that however, I still believe we should, with full knowledge of our disagreements and differences, choose to support each other in our common missions and goals whether this be a political or moral stance, or simply to help people begin a relationship with Jesus.

"I obey Mommy"

ahhhh sometimes it's just too much! I love my boys so much!! This morning we had to go to a 4 mo. well baby check- up for Ben (shots and all). Charley woke up early this morning and we didn't make him go back to bed so he was already tired when we had been at the appointment for an hour. He sat in the stroller for over an hour and was sooo good for me. He squirmed and complained a little, but didn't cry or throw a fit or really fuss a lot. I gave him some treats and promised him a few donut holes afterwards if he was good. We were there so long I think he forgot about the donuts, but he was still very good for me. Then, when we got home and I thought he would run wild after being strapped down for so long; he began to exit the car (instead of making a break for the front seat to "drive") saying, "I obey Mommy." I praised him thinking, "ok we'll see what he wants or how long this will last," but as I asked him to go to the front door (instead of run around the yard) he again said, "I obey Mommy." This continued all the way up the stairs into the house and afterwards as he threw away the bag from the donut holes and as we went to wash his hand and finally as I laid him down for a nap where he is now. He just kept saying it over and over again and it was so sweet! I was praising him for it and trying to let him know how good he was for obeying, but since I've been reading "Dare to Discipline" I learned that I shouldn't overly praise him or else it won't mean anything (I think that's the jist of it). Maybe it's don't overly reward him or the reward doesn't mean anything, or maybe it's both, maybe I should go reread that section :) Anyway, my heart was about to explode from how good he was today and I just had to tell someone so I thought I'd blog it and let everyone know. I figure, 2 year olds are going to have their terrible moments, and Charley has definitely had his, but I want to remember these wonderful moments too, when he's temporarily an angel :)

I just pray and wish that I could be a good enough parent to deserve the two little blessings God has given me. I know I can't be perfect, but I'm thankful that God's grace is bigger than my parenting abilities. I also hope that I obey God as serenly and as constantly as Charley obeyed me this morning. I hope that "I obey God" when I want to crawl in the front seat and drive, or when I want to run wild in the front yard or even when I don't want to wash my hands or rest. Thank you Lord for these little blessings and little lessons in life, and thank you that there are so many yet to come. Amen.

overwhelmed . . . in a good way

It usually happens when I'm running errands at night after the kids are in bed, and I'm in the car at night by myself that I get caught by the thought of how big God's blessings have been in my life. I almost want to cry, and sometimes I do, just thinking about how much I love my boys and my husband and how lucky I am to be living the life I do, and enjoying what God has given me. I think about how big God is and how amazing it is that He would look down and bless me so much. My next thought is usually, "God, please don't let me screw it up." Realizing how blessed I am is a good way to moderate my own selfishness when it starts to creep into my attitude. I'm so thankful that God reminds me of these things periodically . . . and probably just when I need it.

ebb and flow

This weekend was so different from the week before it. I got a chance to catch up on chores and rest a little before Will left again this afternoon. This time he'll only be gone a day and now I'm thinking, "oh that's really no big deal," because it's so short. But if I had never had to last week on my own, I might be struggling with one day. Isn't that silly in hindsite? I'm sure some people are reading this thinking, "I can't believe she couldn't make it through one week." Well, I'm learning, that's all I can say. Plus, it will get better. Ben is so little now. I think a deployment will be easier when Ben is 3 and Charley is 5 because they can play together (and fight together I know), but they can also take care of themselves more and I can take them to more fun places. We'll see, I'm not going to fret about it now.

Charley is taking a late nap right now, adding to the mystery of his sleeping habits. It's a nice break, but I don't think he'll sleep through the night, I could be wrong. I'm going to let him go because I really think he needs the rest.

Speaking of rest, I feel at peace and rested now after having some time with Will this weekend. I found a verse that said it well. It's Psalm 116:7 "Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." Indeed the Lord's blessings on me have been bountiful. Thank you Lord for your refreshing love and restoring words.

"My yoke is easy . . ."

The good is . . . I have two wonderful boys
The good is . . . I have a great Mom who I can call up and who listens and tries to understand my complaints and tries to encourage me
The good is . . . at least I have a roof over my head, even if it is hot
The good is . . . I can turn to a loving God for help and comfort anywhere and at anytime.

Yesterday, some verses shot into my head, no doubt because the Holy Spirit knew what I needed to hear. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29, 30 These words have been running through my head all day and I've been reciting them to myself like a mantra, "my yoke is easy and my burden is light, my yoke is easy and my burden is light," I guess it helps me to remember that things could be much worse, especially without Christ. Many people DO have it worse right now, especially in Israel and Lebanon this week. Knowing that still doesn't mean that this isn't hard for me, it just means that I have perspective and something to at least be thankful about. And that's good because when I have something to be thankful about, I'm thinking a lot less about myself and a lot more about God and that tones the complaining down a bit. :)

Praise you Lord for ministering to me even when I'm not seeking it or necessarily wanting it; thank you for showing me love when I'm not easily loved; and thank you for helping me even when I forget to ask for it. Please help me to bear the stress of this week with more grace than I am bearing it with now, and please help me to be kind to my children and husband through this. I love you my Saviour and my God. ps. could you send a stronger breeze or better yet, a cold front? :) that would be great, thanks!

Thank you all for your prayers! Please pray for the people of Israel and Lebanon whose countries are being torn apart.