I wanted to blog tonight, for once, in a month, or almost 2, but I'm just too tired. I just don't have time to do justice to the wealth of emotions, thoughts, blah, that is running through my head right now - just 7 short days before Will deploys for 7 long months. I feel like I am on a new planet from anything I've experienced emotionally in a loooong time. Ok, maybe just 4 years, since his last deployment, but now I have 2 kids and another on the way. Oh yeah, I forgot to blog about that, surprise blog world- I'm 11 weeks pregnant!! :) due April 22, just a few weeks before Will returns. These parts of my life fill thoughts and words and posts beyond what I'm capable of enscribing here tonight, but I know that I will, and need to for my sanity, soon.
For those of you wondering what I need or what you can do (hopefully there are some of you) :)
- please pray for us whenever we come to mind
- please randomly call me to say hi for no reason at all, other than human contact. I hate being alone and I rarely get phone calls, probably b/c most of my friends are busy Moms whom I already run in to at church or on Facebook, but for those of you who have the time, or can make a moment to spare (even if I just saw you at church), I know I'd appreciate it. (ps. you don't have to ask how I'm doing, just talk about anything) :)
- please forgive my mood swings ... any sarcasm, defensiveness, ungratefulness, self-deprication, denial, avoidence, fakeness (the one I hate the most), are all likely to represent during the next 7 trying months of my life, so I ask for your grace ahead of time while I vent to blogland.
- if I manage to blog during this crazy, busy time, I would appreciate any comments, encouraging or critical (can you tell I crave human interaction?) :)
- come visit me! :) or get together, especially on the weekends (which will turn into just another work day for me)
Meanwhile, I will be praying constantly that Divine interaction would fill me until I thirst no more. While I'm extremely emotional about this, I'm also extremely hopeful and full of faith that God can make this time sweeter than I could have dreamed. I know He doesn't promise that I won't struggle or reach my hypothetical limit, but I believe that when I do, He will be there to help me in ways that only He can. I pray also that I SEE these ways and don't miss them and become bitter at God for letting me hurt so much. I hope that I can have perspective about how blessed I am, all the while allowing myself to deal with things that are still difficult for me now.
I have already seen His hand moving and preparing a way for me. I know there is more He hasn't even revealed yet and I am anxiously looking forward to sharing that here and experiencing it with my boys and my friends.
Lord, please see us through.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Monday, October 06, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
some thoughts
Many prayers go out tonight for one of my friends, and especially for her father who is fighting cancer. I wish I could be near her in person to just hug her. Please pray for them with me.
Along the same lines ... I randomly visited Beth Moore's blog and read responses to some tough questions she was asking as research for a project she's working on ... so many hurting people ... so many things happening ... to all of us, at different times. I could identify with some of them at different times in my life via struggles I have met and overcome and other issues I am still wading through. Typical of my personality, I wanted to make a list of all of them and sort them by 1. issues I deal with rarely 2. issues I deal with every so often 3. issues I deal with daily. I wanted to make myself aware of them, that they exist or have existed, and then begin trying to purposefully work on some of them beginning with releasing any fear or self doubt and finding strength in Christ to help me deal with these things. just a thought.
And on what seems like the other side of the world ... here's a story in my children's very young life that I want to remember later on ... sometimes when Charley is thinking about doing or has done something mischievous, but funny, like finding a creative way to disobey that doesn't really break the rules, but that he knows is still wrong ... I'll be smiling at him while putting him in time out or telling him to stop, and he'll look at me with a smile and say, "Mommy do you love me?" and I always say, "Yes, Charley, I love you so much." It's like a script every time. Then he runs over and gives me a big hug and a kiss. aaaahhh and he only asks this when he's doing something wrong. Sometimes his questions is also followed by, "even though I'm being a bad boy?" I love that he is establishing the understanding now for the kind of unconditional love I have for him, and am trying to explain that God has for him. My answer to him when discussing why God still loves him is along the lines of "because He made you and you're special to Him." Other times it gets into Jesus dying for his sins. I wish I could get inside of his head to know what he thinks or understands about this concept, but I can't and have no idea since I know he can't understand yet. However, he loves the Easter story and I know that it will click someday.
Oh that we would always accept that we are loved by God unconditionally, even when we aren't able to love each other that way at all times ... even when we feel ugly, stupid, sinful, failing and so many other things that would keep us far from God. But in truth, we're white as snow as children of God. God's children are innocent in His eyes because of Jesus' sacrifice for us. Praise be to a God that would lovingly pay our way and long for us to be near Him.
Along the same lines ... I randomly visited Beth Moore's blog and read responses to some tough questions she was asking as research for a project she's working on ... so many hurting people ... so many things happening ... to all of us, at different times. I could identify with some of them at different times in my life via struggles I have met and overcome and other issues I am still wading through. Typical of my personality, I wanted to make a list of all of them and sort them by 1. issues I deal with rarely 2. issues I deal with every so often 3. issues I deal with daily. I wanted to make myself aware of them, that they exist or have existed, and then begin trying to purposefully work on some of them beginning with releasing any fear or self doubt and finding strength in Christ to help me deal with these things. just a thought.
And on what seems like the other side of the world ... here's a story in my children's very young life that I want to remember later on ... sometimes when Charley is thinking about doing or has done something mischievous, but funny, like finding a creative way to disobey that doesn't really break the rules, but that he knows is still wrong ... I'll be smiling at him while putting him in time out or telling him to stop, and he'll look at me with a smile and say, "Mommy do you love me?" and I always say, "Yes, Charley, I love you so much." It's like a script every time. Then he runs over and gives me a big hug and a kiss. aaaahhh and he only asks this when he's doing something wrong. Sometimes his questions is also followed by, "even though I'm being a bad boy?" I love that he is establishing the understanding now for the kind of unconditional love I have for him, and am trying to explain that God has for him. My answer to him when discussing why God still loves him is along the lines of "because He made you and you're special to Him." Other times it gets into Jesus dying for his sins. I wish I could get inside of his head to know what he thinks or understands about this concept, but I can't and have no idea since I know he can't understand yet. However, he loves the Easter story and I know that it will click someday.
Oh that we would always accept that we are loved by God unconditionally, even when we aren't able to love each other that way at all times ... even when we feel ugly, stupid, sinful, failing and so many other things that would keep us far from God. But in truth, we're white as snow as children of God. God's children are innocent in His eyes because of Jesus' sacrifice for us. Praise be to a God that would lovingly pay our way and long for us to be near Him.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Nightmare Day Full of Grace
I guess one of the realities I have to face is that when Will is gone, all the little problems of life are not going to stop. Life goes on with its blessings and daily issues. I experienced one of these delights last Friday when I left a sink filling up so I could stain treat some clothes and forgot to turn it off. I flooded the washer/dryer area of our basement with about 2 inches of water, which of course started seeping into the thick carpet of the next room.
I was just about to walk out the door to take the boys to a Barnes 'n' Noble reading hour when I heard a trickling downstairs. (blessing #1: I discovered the flood BEFORE I left home). So I called the friend I was supposed to meet down there with her two boys to tell her we wouldn't make it and to call me if she had any suggestions as to what to do (I was still at the "Freaking out" and "Oh my gosh did this really happen?" stage and not yet to the "OK, I know what to do" stage).
So after that I decided to go downstairs and call our landlord to let her know, and also to call a lady from church to ask if her two girls can babysit while I clean up the mess. I, of course, have lots of trouble finding telephone numbers while trying to not completely break down in front of my children, which ends up happening anyway to which Charley responds very sympathetically and sits and watches while I attempt to get things rolling. I finally call the girls to babysit and blessing #2: they're available to come over right away! Plus, they're mom is bringing over a really big shop vac (since ours is small) to help.
I hang up from talking to them in tears and keep looking for the landlords number when the doorbell rings. I answer the door, still in tears, to find that the friend we were supposed to meet at Barnes 'n' Noble has showed up with her two kids to help me and watch mine while I clean up the mess. <--- blessing #3. They go to the backyard and begin distracting my kids while I am finally able to get the landlord on the phone. She's a very nice landlord, by the way so that conversation went well.
The friend from church shows up and brings her 3 daughters to help out and plans on staying to help me too!! So her older daughters take over babysitting so my friend can go run her errands and she and her younger daughter start moving everything out of the carpeted room so I can pull up the carpet. Blessing #4: I totally didn't expect her to stay and help, plus bring so much help (her third daughter and the shop vac, not to mention her other daughters who are babysitting).
Anyway, they stay until the job is DONE, and I mean, helping to clean up stuff that was gross and icky etc. We were all sweating, I started to get dizzy (it was a hot day), they moved heavy things, swept out the garage where water was seeping, threw stuff away, moved stuff around, cut up the carpet padding so we could lay it out to dry and the list goes on. I was so grateful and overwhelmed.
It's not often I've met people who will pitch in like this and be there when you really need it, especially when it involves getting dirty and especially when I don't know them all that well. It was truly a blessing. Fortunately, Will was coming home the next day for a short weekend visit, but all he had to do was move the fan around and help me keep emptying the dehumidifier and close a window that was letting in more humidity.
So that's one of our adventures during this time when Will is gone where I definitely felt God watching over us and taking care of us. It's important for me to note these times because I forget them pretty quickly when I'm feeling like God isn't around or doesn't care. I have a very short memory when I (a spiritual and physical creature) feel like my physical needs aren't being met and when those things distract me to the point of doubting the God who shows me so much grace, I can come back and read this and start honoring Him again.
I was just about to walk out the door to take the boys to a Barnes 'n' Noble reading hour when I heard a trickling downstairs. (blessing #1: I discovered the flood BEFORE I left home). So I called the friend I was supposed to meet down there with her two boys to tell her we wouldn't make it and to call me if she had any suggestions as to what to do (I was still at the "Freaking out" and "Oh my gosh did this really happen?" stage and not yet to the "OK, I know what to do" stage).
So after that I decided to go downstairs and call our landlord to let her know, and also to call a lady from church to ask if her two girls can babysit while I clean up the mess. I, of course, have lots of trouble finding telephone numbers while trying to not completely break down in front of my children, which ends up happening anyway to which Charley responds very sympathetically and sits and watches while I attempt to get things rolling. I finally call the girls to babysit and blessing #2: they're available to come over right away! Plus, they're mom is bringing over a really big shop vac (since ours is small) to help.
I hang up from talking to them in tears and keep looking for the landlords number when the doorbell rings. I answer the door, still in tears, to find that the friend we were supposed to meet at Barnes 'n' Noble has showed up with her two kids to help me and watch mine while I clean up the mess. <--- blessing #3. They go to the backyard and begin distracting my kids while I am finally able to get the landlord on the phone. She's a very nice landlord, by the way so that conversation went well.
The friend from church shows up and brings her 3 daughters to help out and plans on staying to help me too!! So her older daughters take over babysitting so my friend can go run her errands and she and her younger daughter start moving everything out of the carpeted room so I can pull up the carpet. Blessing #4: I totally didn't expect her to stay and help, plus bring so much help (her third daughter and the shop vac, not to mention her other daughters who are babysitting).
Anyway, they stay until the job is DONE, and I mean, helping to clean up stuff that was gross and icky etc. We were all sweating, I started to get dizzy (it was a hot day), they moved heavy things, swept out the garage where water was seeping, threw stuff away, moved stuff around, cut up the carpet padding so we could lay it out to dry and the list goes on. I was so grateful and overwhelmed.
It's not often I've met people who will pitch in like this and be there when you really need it, especially when it involves getting dirty and especially when I don't know them all that well. It was truly a blessing. Fortunately, Will was coming home the next day for a short weekend visit, but all he had to do was move the fan around and help me keep emptying the dehumidifier and close a window that was letting in more humidity.
So that's one of our adventures during this time when Will is gone where I definitely felt God watching over us and taking care of us. It's important for me to note these times because I forget them pretty quickly when I'm feeling like God isn't around or doesn't care. I have a very short memory when I (a spiritual and physical creature) feel like my physical needs aren't being met and when those things distract me to the point of doubting the God who shows me so much grace, I can come back and read this and start honoring Him again.
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